Idea of the Day: Bright Bitch

Bright Bitch: A little sign you put in your car’s back window that reads “Turns off your brights, bitch!” Or “Turn down your high beams please.” It would be activated by a button near your horn. Used when someone behind you is using their high beams/brights. Messages can be customized.

The idea of the day is made up of the random ideas that float into my head that I’m too busy/lazy to act on. If you would like to market this, please feel free.

Idea of the Day: Shamouflage

Shamouflage: A fake sticker or label to cover your shampoo bottle if you have an embarrassing hair condition like dandruff or coloring. That way, if you have a guest over who uses your shower, they will never know of your condition.

The idea of the day is made up of the random ideas that float into my head that I’m too busy/lazy to act on. If you would like to market this, please feel free.

We may be voters, but we’re also consumers.

In 2008, the voters sent a message to Washington. That message was “change.”

In 2010, the voters sent another message to Washington. That message was, “We want change and we want it right fucking now! We don’t give a shit how much progress you’ve made, we want jobs, a perfect economy and world peace—right now. This is the country where we can be millionaires, rock stars and movie stars overnight. Give us a week, we’ll take off the weight. Give us a pill for immediate results and if that doesn’t work, we’ll liposuck or botox inject our results. Either way, we’re getting those results and we’re getting them now.”

As a copywriter, I’ve written the words “quick, easy and affordable” in hundreds of ads. Everything I’ve gotten out of life that’s been worthwhile has taken time, hard work and sacrifice.

To all the big winners in Tuesday’s election, my inner consumer has a message for you—you’re welcome.

Sam Kinison can end this recession

I was watching 60 Minutes last night and I was ready to blow my brains out after watching the most depressing recession story ever. Check it out here.

It’s a story you’ve heard before. Big factory closes in a small, midwestern town (Newton, Iowa) and the town suffers.

-A nice woman can’t get a job.

-A nice man’s jewelry store goes out of business.

-A loving father/husband works his ass off to keep his Domino’s Pizza franchise running.

Here’s what I don’t get—why don’t they get out of Newton, Iowa? Seriously, there are jobs out there—just not in Newton, Iowa. There are pizza and jewelry loving consumers out there—just not in Newton, Iowa. No politician is going to magically make jobs appear in Newton, Iowa. Why the hell would you want to stay in Newton, Iowa anyway? The schools can’t be that great.

It’s the same advice Sam Kinison gave to end world hunger back in the 80s.

Interview like Carrot Top

Like Carrot Top, when I interview, I bring lots of props. I’ve done some promotional work in the past. I’ve used bobble-head dolls, punching bags, action figures and t-shirts to sell stuff. Usually, the first question I’m asked is something like, “So, how long have you been in advertising?/What made you get into advertising?” I answer with some crap about how the business is changing and you have to change with it and start putting all the visual aids on their desk. Then I start telling the stories behind the punching bag or the t-shirts or the shot glasses. Then the interviewer starts showing some of his or her promotional crap. And then, he or she might even bring people into his office to look at your crap. This is time consuming in the best way. Everyone gets to know each other and the questions are kept to a minimum. Then you usually go to lunch.

At lunch, stick to a sandwich. The Club works best. Not too messy. Less chance of getting any sauce on your face (never order wings or ribs) or food stuck in your teeth (never order a salad). Avoid pasta too, it’s just too much work to eat and it’s easy to stain you clothes.

When you return, you’ll usually have to meet with the HR person. They aren’t going to be as impressed with your visual aids as your potential boss. Not to get into politics, but if you don’t have a quick answer to a question, answer it like George W. Bush. No matter how hard the press grills him with questions, he can use one sentence to answer them all – “America is safer.”

“Mr. President, how can we invade a country without WMDs and without an exit strategy and still consider the misssion accomplished?”

And GWB says,”Ugh, well. America is safer.”

In advertising, you can have your own “America is safer.” The one I like to use is “I’m all about the work.”

“John, it says here you were unemployed from 2001-2006. What were you doing?”

And I say, “I’m all about the work.” And that buys me a few seconds to think of adding on to it with, “I’m not about just collecting a paycheck.”

That’s how you interview like Carrot Top. Just try to avoid the steroids and botox.

It’s just bad

I have an idea! Let’s put a long copy ad in the mall asking teenagers to behave. They squeezed even more copy on the phone. Teenagers would probably loot the mall if they noticed it.

Your heart does not need to be in it.

Ever heard someone say they are leaving their job because their heart’s not in it anymore?

That’s crazy. I do my best work when my heart’s NOT in it. In fact, I keep my heart as far away from my work as possible. I think I do my best work when I don’t give a shit. When you’re passionate about something, you overthink it and screw it up.

I do my best work when I’m angry. Usually when I attempt to create a piece of shit just to meet a deadline, it usually turns out brilliant. The mind is funny that way. Kind of like how you can’t fall asleep at night when you’re supposed to, but have no problem drifting off when you’re in an important meeting.

Why does it work this way? I don’t know. I do know that if I did put my heart into my work, I’d be a raging alcoholic.

So don’t follow your heart while you work, it will only screw you up. Give it to that special someone in your life instead.

I Call it Nickelback Advertising

Ever seen advertising so bad that you want to beat it up but you can’t because it’s advertising and it can’t fight back because it has no fists, no weapons and it’s not really alive so why bother?

I call that Nickelback advertising because every time I hear a song by that band , I want to beat it up. But I can’t because it’s only a song and it can’t really fight back for all the reasons I just described.

Here’s where I need help. How do I tell people at my agency when they create a Nickelback ad? My first instinct is to beat them up. But I can’t because most creatives aren’t very strong and they’ve got laws and I could get fired. It’s so hard to beat people up these days. Hard to beat stuff up too.

A couple of agencies ago, a team created a Nickelback campaign. They asked me what I thought of it and I was too much of a pussy to express my hatred. Instead, I complemented them on their grammar and figured the creative director would stop their crap since that was his job. But, no—he didn’t. He kept the suckyness alive. So I figured the brass would stomp all over it once they saw the combination of puns and words that conveniently rhymed. But, they didn’t either. Instead, they almost applauded. And so did the client.

That’s another reason I call it Nickelback advertising. A lot of people seem to like their music except me—and my friends here in Portugal and these people on Facebook.

They tried entering the Nickelback campaign in awards shows. It didn’t win shit. The team, agency and client all blamed the judges while making up some conspiracy theory about the local addys being rigged. Yes, they believed the LOCAL ADDYS WERE RIGGED.

Internally, everyone liked it. In the real world, it was shit. Internally, everyone was too close the the project. Strategically right on. Creatively, its mediocrity could not even make a blip at the local addys.

And I could have prevented it.

From now on, when I see a Nickelback ad being produced in an agency I’m working for, I feel I have an obligation to stop it. If it gets me fired, so what? I’ve been fired before. Actually, I haven’t. I’ve been laid off—big difference.

Don’t feel too bad Nickelback. I hate the music of Led Zepplin, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Tom Petty and Eric Clapton just as much as yours. So what the fuck do I know?

Good point! Now, shut up.

Nothing kills innovation more than someone in a meeting making a “good point.”

Good points are made by people in the meeting who really don’t need to be there. People with vague job titles. Their job is to make these good points whenever someone important is in the room. Someone like a client or a CEO. These good points sound something like this:

“According to our research, humor doesn’t resonate with our target market.”

“Our audience is known for loyalty. This work doesn’t acknowledge that.”

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, but the work really needs _________.”

” But, our audience is the fastest growing market in the country. Do you think they’ll respond to this?”

Don’t get me wrong. You are free to criticize the shit out of my work. But, anyone can identify a problem. Our job is to solve them. That’s why we get paid the big bucks. It’s easy to make a good point and sound smart in a meeting. That’s why so many people continue to make these good points. But, what do they accomplish? Instead of making a good point, present a good solution like:

“I think it’s great work, but humor might not be the best way to go. Can we lose the guy in the gorilla suit?”

I know, someone is screwing with your work now. But, at least it’s still alive and the meeting’s momentum is still moving forward. Good points seem to do the exact opposite.

The Thunderdome of Death

You can’t learn about people in a job interview. They’re just going to kiss your ass and tell you what you want to hear. How are you supposed to know what your candidates are really made of?

Here’s an idea—I call it The Thuderdome of Death. The rules are simple: Two creatives walk in and only one walks out—with a job.

You put the weakest creative you currently have on staff against the candidate who wants the job. Give them both and assignment and a time limit and see walks out with the best work. The winner gets the job.

It will also keep your whiney creative staff on their toes.

Sound like a good idea?

Want to give it a try? Start with this guy.