Jerry Maguire is a movie about assholes.

As I was rewatching everyone’s favorite feel-good movie from the 90s last night, I realized it’s about a bunch of assholes. Here’s why:

Asshole #1—Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) is an asshole for writing a mission statement for a company he does not own. He didn’t even run it by management. He just assumed he owned the company and rewrote the rule book. Then he dumps his fiancee after she gets understandably pissed when he screws up the Cush deal. She’s still loves him, she’s just mad. He’s also a crappy salesperson. He begs Glenn Fry to give Cuba Gooding Jr. a 10 million dollar contract as a favor. Way to sell, Jerry. The only reason his #1 client got the huge deal was because he faked an injury then acted like a buffoon on the football field. He didn’t do shit to deserve that long hug at the end of the movie. He even stole his company’s fish because they have manners. Sending out a mission statement without the bosses approval is pretty freakin’ impolite Jerry.

jerry

Asshole #2—Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) is an asshole gifted enough to start in the NFL, but boo-hoo, isn’t making shoe, soda and video games commercials so he blames his agent. To get people to love him and his major deal he has to fake and injury and then act like a buffoon on the field.

Asshole #3—Dorthy Boyd (Renee Zellweger) is an asshole because she’s a single mom, freeloading in her sister’s house who quits her job to work at Tom Cruise’s unstable company. Then she gets all bitchy at her sister who is basically supporting her ass—her asshole kid’s too

Asshole #4—Ray (The kid) for guilt tripping Tom Cruise into marrying his Mom. But, he’s a kid. We’ll let that one slide.

Asshole #5—The Football Fans for only liking Cuba Gooding Jr. after faking an injury and acting like a buffoon. When he was “keeping it real” they didn’t like him. Only when he acts like a jackass do they give him love.

Asshole #6—Frank Gifford for his “who cares” remark after Cuba acts like a jackass and earns a penalty flag. Who cares? We care. These freakin’ games last forever. Quit acting like a buffoon so we can kick the extra point.

Notice how all of these assholes get mad at normal people (movie villains) just for acting like rational adults.

Bob Sugar (Jay Moore) runs a company and gets rid of slackers who try to rewrite the rule book.

Kelly Preston (Avery) is a nymphomaniac willing to try lesbianism just to turn on her fiancee but gets a little pissed when the dumb ass makes a stupid mistake that has serious consequences to her life as well as his.

Don’t get me wrong. Still a good movie. Just shows how a good film maker and a cheesy Bruce Springsteen song can make us like a bunch of assholes. It’s all image and perception, right?

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