My fellow Americans, get off your ass.

If I were president, here’s how I would address the nation:

My fellow Americans, get off your ass. OK, not all of you, Just that 9.2 % who haven’t been able to find a job since 2007. The other 90.8% of us have managed to keep working and we’re sick of hearing you bitch. Subway is hiring. So is McDonald’s. What’s that? You’re too proud? To quote Marcellus Wallace, “Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.”

To the Afghan people, get off your ass and defend yourself. We’re getting the fuck out because I’m not even sure why the hell we’re over there.

To the rest of the Middle East, calm your ass down. Quit taking religion so seriously. Learn from us Americans. We only pray when our favorite football team needs to kick a field goal and there’s less than 2 minutes on the clock.

To the friends of Ryan Dunn, Roger Ebert was right. Ryan was driving 140 mph. If you’re going to drive drunk, go the speed limit and drive extra paranoid like everybody else.

To the environment, get off your ass. Defend yourself like the planet Pandora did in Avatar. Polar bears, if you see someone who doesn’t recycle—kill the motherfucker. When humans kill people it’s called murder. When bears kill people it’s called nature.

To the journalists, get off your ass. Quit giving so much coverage to Casey Anthony. Face it, the only reason we care is because she’s kind of hot. In fact, every time a cute, white girl goes missing—it gets national headlines. Ugly people who aren’t white go missing too. WTF?

To the gays, get off your ass (no, I’m not going to make a homophobic joke/pun here). If you want to get married, move to Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont or Washington D.C. Or, you may have to wait until my second term. To quote my 12th favorite 80s hair band, White Lion, “Love don’t come easy.”

To those who think marriage should be between a man and a woman, nobody gives a shit what you think.

In closing, get off your ass and quit bitching about me. We cool?

Good night and God Bless America—you lazy motherfuckers.