Gene Simmons: God of thunder and good advice.

“As long as you’re alive, you’re still in the game.”

He said that on one of his Family Jewels episodes. Brilliant. I’ve got a lot going against me but it doesn’t matter—I’m still alive and still in the game.

• I’m in the 12th year of my career and should be a lot further along. But, I’m still alive and still in the game.
• I haven’t won any major awards since I was in school. Doesn’t matter. I’m still in the game.
• I can’t really type, spell or use grammar properly. I don’t care. I’m still in the game.
• Two of my previous bosses will probably give me a bad reference. And I’m cool with that because I’m still standing and still in the game.
• I’ve had 7 full time jobs in 12 years. Who cares? I don’t. I’m still in the game.
• I’m writing all of my weaknesses on a blog for anyone interested in hiring me to see. It doesn’t matter. I’m still alive and still in the game.

Because when you think about it, life’s just a big video game. I’ve got plenty of extra lives and first aid kits to keep me alive and in the game.

Thanks Gene!

Burger King commercials—my thoughts

They’re ok. But, if I was the CEO of Burger King I would cut my advertiising budget in half and use that money to clean the nasty restaurants.

Seriously, they’re in really bad shape. All of them. I quit going to them, but I’ll go back every once in a while when I’m craving a Whopper. And no matter which Burger King I’m in, it’s a shithole.

The one I was in yesterday had a bunch of paper work and office supplies up by the front register. Like the manager was doing his taxes up front. The lady working the cash register didn’t really acknowledge my existence. She just looked at me. No “can I help you?” I started ordering just when the silence got really awkward. The food was good and all but the straws were in a tupperware container. The ketchup dispenser had ketchup caked on around the thing. The service was way too slow for a line with 3 people. The ice machine had about 2 cubes in it. I had to struggle to set them free. The syrup to seltzer ratio on the soda machine was off. And, the TV was too loud. The Beverly Hillbillies was on—I shit you not.

Have it my way? Clean the place up.

Take my freedom—please.

Many people have already given up their capitalist freedom and don’t even know it. We live in a free country. You can be anything you want to be. Many have given up that freedom in exchange for a steady job with steady pay so they may disappear into a classless society.

We live in a society where you can have any job you want, yet many take whatever they can get.

Many don’t get paid what they think they’re worth. They just take what they can get.

Many shop at Costco or Sam’s Club. They have low prices with no brands really competing. Hello? What’s that sound like?

There are no arranged marriages in our society, yet so many settle on their spouses.

There’s only one thing stopping you and that’s you and most of the time, that’s all it takes.

I’m not trying to be a motivational speaker. I just hear of so many living in fear of losing their freedom when they have already given it up.

A big FU to social media

FU internet. You ain’t so great.

FU technology.

FU Facebook, Twitter, myspace, wikipedia and all of the iPhone apps.

FU to all who drop the names of the above applications during client meetings just to sound relevant.

The internet has been promising to put out for the past 10 years. Has anyone really made a profit? Seriously? Maybe a few have. But, I still see a lot of broke businessmen out there.

The amount of money made on the web has paled in comparison to the amount stolen (limewire, napster, youtube).

Facebook claims it just started making a profit and it has more users than the population of the United States.

No one has struck it rich off those iPhone apps.

And a big FU to all you millenials out there who roll your eyes when us old timers talk TV, radio, outdoor or print.

OK, so maybe print is dead.

BUT, a big thank you to outdoor media. No matter how much we turned out back on your to do cool websites, microsites or widgets, you stuck around reminding us that people driving cars will never be obsolete.

And a big thank you to radio. We all thought your days were numbered with satellite radio and iPods. Nope. After hearing the same iTune a couple hundred times, I welcome the cheesy DJs on the morning zoo.

Oh, and a big FU to satellite radio. A couple billion stations. I still prefer Jack FM (or Dave FM depending on where you live).

And a big thank you to TV. The odds were against you. The internet and TiVo were threatening to kick your ass. But, people don’t TiVo football, NASCAR, MMA, Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, the Today Show or cable news.

I’m sure you can find flaws with this statement. But, not huge ones. Amazon and Google have made a few bucks here and there. But, you haven’t.

Think about that when you’re wondering where to place your media dollars.

Think about your old friend—traditional media.

Come back with flowers and an apology and maybe, just maybe, it will invite you back.

Hey, NBC. Listen to this.

Your ratings are down. Way down. You only have one show that people give a shit about—The Office.

So why not do what all the other networks do? Pull a CSI.

First, we have The Office: Louisville starring Jason Alexander.

Then, The Office: Wichita starring Matthew Perry.

In a few years, The Office: Providence starring someone from Will and Grace or Scrubs. I don’t know. Do I have to do all the work around here?

Bud Light Orange—my creation

I have lived in Knoxville, TN for about 8 months now and people here are so coo-coo for college football that Bud Light actually makes their brand of beer available in orange (the color of the Tennessee Vols) cans. It doesn’t have any orange flavor. It doesn’t even say anything about Tennessee. But, the college football loving sheep buy it by the truck load because they love anything that can be traced back to the Vols. I bet there are plenty of rednecks who have bought cases only to keep them as collectors items they can sell at moron conventions.

So, I bought some on my way to a party in Atlanta (3 hours south). People were in awe of the orange can since they’re oblivious to the Vol loving sheep just up the road. Instead of giving them the explanation I gave above, I told them all it was the new Bud Light Orange. You know, like Bud Light Lime only this one is trying the compete with Blue Moon (the beer you squeeze orange into). They tried it and they could actually taste orange.

It’s amazing. Their sense of taste was getting its ass kicked by the sense of sight (orange can) and hearing (my bullshit explanation).

It was marketing in its purest form. They wanted to buy orange flavored beer and I was selling the idea of orange flavored beer.

They were satisfied customers until my drunk buddy told the real reason for the orange can.

Every brainstorm at the promotions agency.

Blah, blah, blah, go online, enter a code, blah, blah, blah, we could use a widget, blah, blah, blah, microsite, blah, blah, blah, ambassador, blah, blah, blah, catalyst, blah, blah, blah, we can set it up in Time Square, blah, blah, blah, OK, then we’ll do it on the Statue of Liberty, blah, blah, blah, what about Central Park?, blah, blah, blah, on the Today Show, blah, blah, blah, all call in at once, blah, blah, blah, skype, blah, blah, blah, shock codes, blah, blah, blah, scavenger hunt, blah, blah, blah, cross-country, blah, blah, blah, t-shirts, blah, blah, blah, go online and design your own blah, blah, blah, enter their own video, blah, blah, blah, youtube, twitter, facebook, blah, blah, blah, catalina coupon, blah, blah, blah, Malls, blah, blah, blah, Jonas Brothers, blah, blah, blah, karaoke, blah, blah, blah, we can own it, blah, blah, blah, drink the Kool-Aid, blah, blah, blah, sweepstakes, blah, blah, blah, tell all their friends, blah, blah, blah, Moms, blah, blah, blah, blue collar males, blah, blah, blah, around the entire world, blah, blah, blah, make friends in other countries, blah, blah, blah, second life, blah, blah, blah, in every living room across the country, blah, blah, blah, look at the deck, blah, blah, blah, nice deck, blah, blah, blah, awesome deck, blah, blah, blah, presentation went great, blah, blah, blah, they loved everything, blah, blah, blah, it turns out they just need a pole sign.

The linkedin recommendation I wish I could write.

I always get a kick out of linkedin recommendations. They’re all the same. “Ralph has passion. He demonstrates leadership qualities with professionalism and genuine appreciation for blah, blah, blah…”

Here’s a recommendation I wish I could write:

I highly recommend Ralph Ralphinserson after he sent me an e-mail last night begging me to write him a recommendation. Even though Ralph already has 50 recommendations, I’m sure this one will really count. Ralph is a creative powerhouse when it comes to imaginative excuses. Like when he effectively demonstrated how missing his plane was a good thing because he wasn’t able to fuck up the client meeting he missed. Oops, I just cursed. If you’re cool with that, you’re going to love Ralph. Because that’s what he does when you criticize his work. Ralph is also really good at entertaining the ladies in the office with jokes about his private parts. He actually had one lady in tears. Ralph never gives up and is relentless when it comes to taking credit for work. He always has a smile on his face and is happy to help out when a CEO is around yet not afraid to show the janitor or the guys in the mailroom who’s boss. Ralph has never wasted agency resources like alcohol and is like a bloodhound when it comes to finding restaurants with 3-hour service and martini specials. Some things you just can’t put on a resume like the boost Ralph brings to the company Christmas party every year. Listening to Ralph describe in great detail how many interns have seen his “candy cane” (and, yes, he makes the finger quotes every time he says it) is a better gift that the Christmas bonus we didn’t get after Ralph cost us that client who couldn’t take an ethnic joke. I cannot recommend Ralph, my current co-worker, enough. Please hire him asap. You won’t regret it and I hope you’ll understand if I don’t leave a return e-mail address.

Thank you,

Evil John

What would big tobacco do?

Funny thing about clients.

I used to work for one of the biggest tobacco companies in the country and the first time I went to their office building I thought I was in the Playboy mansion. Beautiful women everywhere. Good looking guys too. Everyone looked like they kept in shape. Lots of people laughing, smoking and loving life. A few years later I had the Department of Health for a client. Everyone there looked overweight, mopey and miserable. And this is the department of HEALTH. They’re supposed to be healthy. Most people there looked like they couldn’t do one push-up. A few years later, a major soft drink company was one of my clients. They’re known for being the brand of happiness. In fact, I think the word “happiness” is in their tagline now. When I would go to their building, it looked like the most unhappy place ever. It looked more like the Umbrella Corporation in the opening scene from Resident Evil. I would go their to do a presentation and get blank stares. People in my agency would tell me I did a great job and not worry about it because the clients never smile either way. 

I think we can all learn something from big tobacco.

Be your brand. Live your brand. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the clock.

When it doubt, just ask yourself “What would big tobacco do?”

Applebee’s revenge

I was a waiter at Applebee’s about 13 years ago and I hated it. Now, I have to relive those memories every time I watch my favorite online TV show because Applebee’s is the only sponsor and I have to sit through the same commercial 3 times a day. It’s their 30 second “It Takes Two” TV spot on the web. I understand that I’m getting a free show and the least I can do is watch a 30 second spot. But, Applebee’s, why not make it a 10 second spot? If I only have to watch a 10 second spot before my show segment, I might like Applebee’s a little bit more. And, your running the same ad 3 times during the show. What if you ran 3 different 10 second ads that really targeted the web user?

AD 1: This Applebee’s commercial is only 10 seconds long. Fast service is important to us.

AD 2: This show tastes a lot better when you watch it at Applebee’s. Now with free WiFi.

AD 3: This Applebee’s commercial lasts only 10 seconds. And, when you’re really hungry, our new Real Burgers last just as long.

There you go, Applebee’s. Free advertising advice. I hope this makes up for me not giving you that 2 weeks notice when I quit 13 years ago.